i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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