My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize