Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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