Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
