I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
