Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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