I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
