winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
