My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
