Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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