i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
