so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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