I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
