I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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