when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
