I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
