Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
