So drunk its hurt
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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