I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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