I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
