nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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