Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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