I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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