Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize