he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
