I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Randomize
