Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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