if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
