What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
