my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
