dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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