There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
