He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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