I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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