You don't have asthma, your pregnant
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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