I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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