Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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