She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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