just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
