I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
