The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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