I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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