just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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