Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize