so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize