it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
