I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
