hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just had sex bonerless
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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