apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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