they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
sarcasm needs its own font
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
