Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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