U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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