y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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