She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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