Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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