I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
