I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
