tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
