I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
