don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
