Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
